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John-Paul gets his humouristic writing style from reading far too much Douglas Adams...

by John-Paul, ATF Staff Writer

"You are here," said a small sticker stuck to a large map posted on the wall of the privies near the rear entrance to the Grandscale Renaissance Festival and Fantasy Faire. "I know where I am," mumbled Jarod, as he looked around trying to orient the map with the direction he was facing.

In the distance he could see the Maypole, and the map clearly showed what almost entirely resembled a cartoon Maypole complete with dancers dancing around it. Jarod moved his finger up on the map as he looked down the path. He was now pointing at the Pirate Ship Stage, or so the tiny text in the tiny box next to the tiny boat drawing said. From there he could turn to the right and travel a short distance to one of the many bridges where he would find the mud pit. At the mud pit he could take a right, walk past the wine tasting area then turn left and continue until he gets to another bridge where he would see a sign that said "There Be Dragons."

This was exactly what one of the friendly volunteers had told him not more than twenty minutes ago, and it was exactly as confusing now as it was then, even though he had a map to look at. "If I can find the dragon sign," he thought, "I can find the exit I need. Jarod had already taken one incorrect exit which led him to a massive parking lot containing many cars entirely unlike his. Off he went.

The Maypole was alive with activity as dancers danced, which should be expected. As he approached the Pirate Ship Stage he heard pirates singing in pirate-like harmony, as should be expected. He turned to the right and walked through the crowds a bit more and found a bridge, as should be expected. In fact, there were two bridges one of which was slightly less expected as the other and was currently busy with a small parade of wenches out on their wench walk.

He took the bridge less traveled and hoped for the best. He indeed found a Mud Pit which soon led him towards the wine tasting area. "Things are looking up," he thought, pausing only briefly to give directions to a family of four who apparently thought he looked like he knew where he was going.

Finally the bridge. Across it was a large sign that said "There Be Dragons" and directly past it was the exit. Standing next to the exit was Jarod's beloved Lily who had been waiting for him entirely too long and showed her displeasure very strongly with a very well practiced glare.

"And that is why I don't like the Grandscale Renaissance Festival and Fantasy Faire," said Jarod as he looked up from the table and sat down his cup. He was followed by the silence of agreement, and they all ordered more coffee.

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